Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
