At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i would punch a child for taco bell
there's paper in my vomit.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
So squirting runs in the family.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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