My underwear smells like fireworks.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize