good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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