Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
