Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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