Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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