You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
