I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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