I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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