A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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