Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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