I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
