when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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