How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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