the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
