i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
