Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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