I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize