We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
