i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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