My first STD was from a foam party
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you traded sex for a burrito?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
