i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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