my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
