He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
