his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
