she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
