Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
