Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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