It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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