you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize