Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
