seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
