I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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