I'm going to jail i love you
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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