That's when you crack a 10am beer
it was like eating out sand paper
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
