I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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