Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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