Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
don't judge my taste in strippers
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize