last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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