Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
