Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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