My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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