the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
