if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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