Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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