I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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