I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
