There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
