I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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