Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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