I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Found your dick twin last night
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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