I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
