this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
