What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
