I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize