yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
