My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
