what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
