At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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