I met the friendliest cop last night
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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